Someone I Could’ve Loved
I miss you.
I shouldn’t miss you,
Not at all, not even a little bit
But here I lie awake again, another restless night where I’m thinking of you as my head hits the pillow.
Another night of wondering why I wasn’t good enough, all the while knowing you couldn’t care less.
You were not special,
You were not amazing, and yet, somehow, you were breathtaking to me.
In the grand scheme of things, you were only in my life a short time.
Not nearly anything that could be considered serious, and yet, somehow, you weighed heavy on my heart.
You were someone who didn’t care for me
You didn’t give me the affection I needed, and you sure as hell didn’t give me anything I deserved.
So, here I lie awake again,
Every night a simultaneous loop replays in my head with the same far-fetched, fantasy ending.
Only I open my eyes and realize it was just a dream
It was only ever just a dream
Why do I miss you? You don’t care about me, you never did.
So, why?
I find the “why’s?” entangled with the small glimpses of hope I felt so swiftly.
I miss the days where you made me laugh.
I miss the days where you made me feel special.
I miss the days where a more secure future together seemed promising,
Until that future just became an untouchable, ignorant fantasy.
The same fantasy that displays in my mind every night—I always have a front-row seat
I would’ve given you anything, and I probably would’ve given you everything.
It was short-lived,
It was toxic,
It was definitely doomed from the start.
I should’ve known from the first time you “made a mistake,”
I should’ve known when you said you were sorry…and did it again.
A constant loop of lies and fabrications followed by the occasional lack of caring.
There were many days you left me wondering how I could be so genuine to someone, only to be treated like yesterday’s trash.
I should’ve known after the second chance,
And I REALLY should’ve figured it out after the 17th chance.
“But I do care about you. I like having you around in my life,”
I should’ve seen it sooner.
And yet, if it weren’t for all the lies, cheating, and heartbreak…
I really thought you were someone I could’ve loved.